December 8, 2000 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 15

bigtips

I want a fake, reusable tree, but he wants a real one

by M.T."the Big Tipper" Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

I haven't brought this up with my boyfriend yet this year. I thought I'd see what you have to say first. Every year I mention to my boyfriend that I'd like to have a "permanent" tree, because that's what I grew up with, and he dismisses that out of hand as ridiculous, and aesthetically barren and soulless.

I've always deferred to him on this because I feel trashy to want a fake tree. I know that real trees smell great and bring that romantic outdoorsy feel in with them, but they're also covered with sap, drop needles everywhere, go bald as the season wears on, and are a fire hazard. They're also a mess to get in and out of the house and they're a pain to set up. A nice fake tree you only pay for once.

A Christmas tree is an icon, a symbol. Everything we do and buy for the holidays is a recreation, a performance, so why can't the tree be fake? Am I some sort of damaged gay man to want such a thing?

O Brand X-mas Tree

Dear Flocking Falling on Cedars,

I hear your pain, brother. I, too, have been forced to enjoy the natural splendor of a real tree since I shacked up with my girlfriend. My memories of holiday seasons of yore (granted, these are recalled through the hazy lens of excessive fig cookie consumption) involve a fake tree.

Dad would heave himself up the ladder to the attic and pass down the battered tree box.

We'd then gather and sort the limbs according to their color-coded dowel bases, to the strains of Johnny Mathis. By the time the final branch had been poked into its rightful hole, one of my brothers had inevitably been hollered at and banished from the living room for messing around and making the record skip.

Fake trees: Aluminum. Pink. Flocked.

You make your choice: you know what you love. The real issue, of course, is that it can be hard to get people to be flexible about their

BIG TIPS

I loved the ritual around this assembly as much as any freezing-cold, soaking wet, runnynosed, sap-coated slog through the woods for some CO -sucking piece of greenery. For some reason however, after much conversation with friends and grueling research through marginally reliable sources (that would be the Internet), I have found very few fans of fake trees. All I can do is lay out the objective facts:

Real trees: An acre produces enough oxygen for 18 people.

Fake trees: Allergic to pine? No need for that inhaler.

Real trees: Can be recycled. Fake trees: Every time you break open that box, you're reusing a precious resource. Real trees: Green.

Fake trees: Green, white, pink, gold, silver and/or powder blue. May also come pre-lit. Fake trees: A great bargain after Christmas.

Real trees: Also a great bargain after Christmas. But I wouldn't store them near those open jars of kerosene.

Real trees: Can provide income from marginal land and make good use of erosive hillside land that would otherwise wash away in row-crop production.

4

holiday expectations. It seems

like a family precedent has been set for the two of you having a real tree, and if you let those purists have their way a few times in a row, they can be pretty intractable. I think you're probably doomed.

How about having a fake tree in another room of the house? If you like the idea of having the same thing every year for tradition, you can do that with ornaments: build up a big collection. You could get an artificial swag or a wreath that you can break out fondly every December. You can also stock up on classic Rankin-Bass videos and Little Drummer Boy yourself into a jerky puppet-mation coma.

If you are a tree-oriented December reveler of any sort (heads up, pagans), here are a few tree tips:

The Glorious Fake: Keep it in a cool, dry location. Store it in its original box, and don't pack it too tight. If it's packed too tight, or gets too hot, the needles loose their luxurious loft, and it doesn't look as natural. Of course, looking natural may not be one of your goals. In that case, you may want to check out this brief homage to the aluminum tree: http:// www.metropolismag.com/new/content/

inddes/de98al.htm.

Mighty Real: One of the nice things about a real tree is that you can (really) recycle it after the festivities.

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

Your Home for the Holidays

Your city may have a collection and chipping program, but you may also just reuse your tree by throwing it in the back yard as a habitat for birds and small animals, chipping it yourself to use as mulch or soil cover, and using the trunk for garden edging.

La Vida Live Tree: Another "real tree" option is a live Christmas tree. These still have their roots intact and can be replanted outdoors. The best to use are evergreens, including arborvitae, junipers, Canadian hemlock. Scotch pine, white pine, blue spruce, Douglas fir, Balsam fir, and red cedar.

You can, of course, kill your live tree as thoroughly as you destroyed your last three spider plants. Because they're participating in your holiday shenanigans in a state of dormancy (Yup, they sleep through it all), they cannot be left indoors for more than two to three days before being taken back outside. So tinsel it, light it, crowd its trunk with boxes of underoos and Avon dusting powder, then strip it down and get it the hell back outside. You can make its indoor nap happier by:

Letting it rest in cool shade outdoors until you are ready to bring it in.

Watering it well before you bring it in. Keeping it away from heating vents and fireplaces.

Using cool tree lights.

Of course, you can always decorate a tree in your yard for little expense, and to the great pleasure of the birds and squirrels if suet, peanut butter and seeds are involved.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052. ΟΙ e-mail to martone a drizzle.com.

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